The title is a lie. I have chilled out recently. I have a title job now, good income, friends, and sometimes actual happiness. I don't know if this happiness is real or not because the drugs but I try not to delve to far into that train of thought. I am supposed to write shit down now. Doc's orders and all. I think less about things now... or maybe I am just not as trapped in my head as I used to be. I have made a lot of discoveries about myself and I keep making more. The main one, I am, without a doubt, an asshole. Through and through. I am self-centered, egotistical, and a pathological liar (oooo but what if THAT is a lie, HEHEHE?!?! It isn't, shut the fuck up). With these discoveries I have options. Those options are all fucking difficult things to do. Things I still feel like I shouldn't have to do but know that I need to. I lost her, my version of Californication's Karen, because I am me. I am not trying to change myself for her though, that train has sailed onto bluer skies. I am trying to change for someone that you would think I, as a self-centered, egotistical asshole, would try to change for first. Me. Yup. I hate me. I also think I am a pretty cool dude. I do shitty things to people I care about all the time. I also think of myself as a good Samaritan-like motherfucker. I hate so many things about my life. I am so grateful for what I have left. And now back to hating myself. Rinse, repeat. I am trying. Really, really hard to make the right changes... for me. Not for anyone else, even if it was someone else who started me on this path many years ago. Still, part of me thinks I am doing it for her, so that she doesn't feel like she wasted years with this piece of shit, sorry excuse for a boyfriend/friend/fuck buddy/whatever the fuck we were sometimes. I am never going to not be sorry to her. Ever. But that can't be the only reason I change. It won't stick for those reasons, because I've tried those reasons before. I get somewhere for a few months and then go right back into the assholery (new word?). So I will keep working, for myself, with myself, supported by myself. I am going to have to change my settings so people from my work life can't read this shit. Would not be a fun staff meeting.
Anyways, guess that is all you get. I will try to make this a regular thing, but I like writing on pen and paper more. I guess this feels more out there though. More to an audience. I've always liked the idea of being the Trueman in a Trueman show scenario. "Why, hello there self-centered, egotistical asshole. How long have you been there?" "Always."
Thank you, and good night.
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